This weekend, I returned to the place that I used to work, to conduct business. I chose to quit my job two months prior to diagnosis for reasons that had nothing to do with diabetes. How was I to know?
I left my job because of a situation that I felt emotionally, verbally abused by a co-worker.
I left to save my sanity. It was a preparation for this diagnosis that I didn't see coming.
When the diagnosis happened, I was thankful for God putting me in the position to be able to better care for Daniel.
This weekend, I was told that the person I had conflict with at work is leaving. "So you can come back, now!"
Lo and behold, this did not affect me me in the ways I imagined it would and there was a breakdown in communication between my brain and my emotions. I, apparently, wasn't ready for that kind of situation to arise. I felt broken the next day. I was very hurt by life. Now that I could maybe successfully work there, I can't justify going back to work. I felt teased, like life was taunting me. "Look at this beautiful dessert that you can't have! No touching, no eating, just looking! Doesn't it look delicious?!"
It's so hard to weigh the pros and cons in returning to work. It's not just "what about child care?" When you have a medically special child, it's more about having to put your family first above the job, and I have a moral obligation to admit that I might not be a good employee because I might have to leave at a moment's notice. I might have to take time off work when he's sick. The position I had was not one that was easily manipulated to cover unexpected schedule changes.
A part of me misses that job. It wasn't without stress, it was a lot of responsibility. I had decided I wasn't built for that kind of a job. I might have gotten over that, but I had convinced myself I wasn't leaving just because of co-worker.
Still, this weekend was hard for me. I found myself feeling stuck by another thing that isn't in my control. We had just found freedom in being able to plan things without having to cancel. Life was finally treating us kindly, then this happened.
It's hard to not feel jaded by life when you start to get your hopes up and the world comes crashing down around you. It's hard to not be angry. In fact, it's okay to be angry. It's okay!
Yell, scream, cry.. do what you have to do to release your emotions in a safe place. Get it out. Take time away from people to be alone and let your emotions control you for a bit.
Then pick up the pieces and move forward with life.
I can't affect whether or not my child needs me. I can't predict the future. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Sometimes we react to something in a different way than we thought we would. That's okay. Own it and keep breathing. Don't give up. Make a plan, consider your options, and move.
Break Down in Communication
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